HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair. 
• I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own. 
•   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes. 
•   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity. 
•   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries. 
•   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment. 
•   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!
•   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you. 
•   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead.