When I wake up before my alarm clock, I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "How does it feel b*tch!"
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
It is with great honor I hereby take this opportunity to wish you all my readers around the world a happy holiday season. A single visit to this blog means a lot to me and without your continuous visit I might have lost interest in blogging already. I started this blog back in 2011 but 99% of all time traffic is for the last three months, actually the last two days I've received tremendous traffic. I've never been Happier.
I don't know how else to explain how thankful I am to all of you but I hope that this post is just enough. Wishing you a Merry Christmas a Happy and Prosperous 2013
How about a micro Status So Funny Community? Join one of my Facebook pages Status So Funny or Random-Funment and by doing that you'll be able to share with me and others your funny thoughts. It's just a click away.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
- _____I already hate next year.
- _____January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
- _____ I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
- _____I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
- _____Mass hysteria, people losing their morals, bodies all over the place!" No its not the end of the world but probably one hell of a party.
- _____ Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!
- _____The world should consider ditching the metric system to use the American system, where everything is measured in shitloads and fucktons.
- _____Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.
- _____The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
- _____ After Facebook picked our minds for years, now it is asking How's it going? How am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy?
- _____I changed all my passwords to "women" since no one can figure them out.
- _____I sneaked in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
- _____Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
- _____Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting you to their club of misery.
- _____You find my language offensive? I find yours generally chipper disposition completely unsettling, but I'm not all fucking uppity about it.
- _____As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I’m slashing his tires.
- _____Admitting you have a problem is the first step: Hello. My name is ________, and I'm an idiot. It's been _____ days since my last good decision.
Friday, December 21, 2012
People on Social sites will always make a joke out of anything. I had no plans to post anything here today but after checking out what people are saying about this "END OF THE WORLD" thing I'm left with no other choice. Well, here's a collection of just a few status updates that am sure you'll like.
- _____I woke up alive! GREAT! Now I have to go put real gifts in all those pretty wrapped boxes. Can't NEVER count on NOBODY these days.
- _____Hi guys. Good news! It's the 21st and the world hasn't ended. Love, Australia.
- _____If you woke up this morning my mission to save the world was successful.
- _____ Did we DIE?! Is this hell?! Oh! we didn't, so you're telling me I'm just at work... well carry on then
- _____Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues.
- _____ So, when is the next end of the world?
- _____If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
- _____Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.
- _____The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015.
- _____Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor
- _____Embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
- _____Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
- _____spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what?!
- _____I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!
- _____I have the same level of concentration as someone defusing a bomb when Im entering the number combination of my snack in the vending machine
- _____The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me seven more times before then.
- _____I wish I could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill.
- _____You know it's a crappy gift when the giver launches into an explanation before you've finished unwrapping it.
- _____If you're not making your candy cane into a pointy sharp weapon, you're eating it wrong.
- _____I like to carry my drill in a holster not a gun, I still look intimidating but with the added bonus of being very handy.
- _____When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there.
- _____Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year.
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Friday, December 14, 2012
Remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HAPPY HOLIDAYS' TO Y'ALL. To those who believe the world is gonna end on 21st Dec 2012, I've something to beg of you, please divide your fortune equally amongst those of us who believe that that is bull-crap!
Here are some awesome Christmas Statuses just for you:
- _____I find it extremely rude when you open a card & there's no money inside.
- _____ Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
- _____Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
- _____ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!
- _____ Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.(After Christmas)
- _____ Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmas time. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was because my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
- _____ I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.
- _____ Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
- _____My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
- _____Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks.
- _____ I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
- _____Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!
- _____ It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year.
- _____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
- _____Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
- _____ I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
- _____I bought the Christmas Oreos... So don't tell me I don't have holiday spirit.
- _____ Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
- _____If you invite me to your Christmas party, you can count on me to quietly eat the entire cheese plate, say nothing to anyone, and leave.
- _____Nothing is more sad than a gift card that says "Cannot be used for the purchase of alcohol."
- _____ I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!
- _____Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
- _____ This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
- _____Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- _____You know it was a good Christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
- _____I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
- _____I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.
- _____Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
- _____I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
- _____I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, fuckface."
- _____I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
- _____I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.(classic)
- _____Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
- _____Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.
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Friday, December 7, 2012
- _____Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Red-box! (Funny drinking status)
- _____I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown! (Funny Christmas status)
- _____Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.(Funny broke status)
- _____If my wife ever have sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.(Funny relationship status)
- _____Dear Friday, What the hell took you so long? Is that b*tch Thursday blocking your way again? (Funny Friday status)
- _____My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.(funny relationship status)
- _____Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.(Funny interview status)
- _____The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.(Funny relationship status)
- _____That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.(Funny food status)
- _____From time to time I like to get in touch with my feminine side, So every now and again I'll throw something with my left hand.(Epic)
Monday, December 3, 2012
- _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
- _____If I ever write a suicide note, I’m going to start it off with “As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation…”(Epic)
- _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
- _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
- _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
- _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
- _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
- _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
- _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
- _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
- _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
- _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
- _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
- _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
- _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
- _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)