Thursday, December 27, 2012


When I wake up before my alarm clock, I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "How does it feel b*tch!"


Christmas is over! We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered life already in progress.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012


It is with great honor I hereby take this opportunity to wish you all my readers around the world a happy holiday season. A single visit to this blog means a lot to me and without your continuous visit I might have lost interest in blogging already. I started this blog back in 2011 but 99% of all time traffic is for the last three months, actually the last two days I've received tremendous traffic. I've never been Happier.
I don't know how else to explain how thankful I am to all of you but I hope that this post is just enough. Wishing you a Merry Christmas a Happy and Prosperous 2013
How about a micro Status So Funny Community? Join one of my Facebook pages Status So Funny or Random-Funment and by doing that you'll be able to share with me and others your funny thoughts. It's just a click away.

Sunday, December 23, 2012


  1. _____I already hate next year.
  2. _____January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
  3. _____ I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
  4. _____I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
  5. _____Mass hysteria, people losing their morals, bodies all over the place!" No its not the end of the world but probably one hell of a party.
  6. _____ Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!
  7. _____The world should consider ditching the metric system to use the American system, where everything is measured in shitloads and fucktons.
  8. _____Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.
  9. _____The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
  10. _____ After Facebook picked our minds for years, now it is asking How's it going? How am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy?
  11. _____I changed all my passwords to "women" since no one can figure them out.
  12. _____I sneaked in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
  13. _____Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
  14. _____Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting you to their club of misery.
  15. _____You find my language offensive? I find yours generally chipper disposition completely unsettling, but I'm not all fucking uppity about it.
  16. _____As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I’m slashing his tires.
  17. _____Admitting you have a problem is the first step: Hello. My name is ________, and I'm an idiot. It's been _____ days since my last good decision.

Friday, December 21, 2012


People on Social sites will always make a joke out of anything. I had no plans to post anything here today but after checking out what people are saying about this "END OF THE WORLD" thing I'm left with no other choice. Well, here's a collection of just a few status updates that am sure you'll like.

  1. _____I woke up alive! GREAT! Now I have to go put real gifts in all those pretty wrapped boxes. Can't NEVER count on NOBODY these days.
  2. _____Hi guys. Good news! It's the 21st and the world hasn't ended. Love, Australia.
  3. _____If you woke up this morning my mission to save the world was successful.
  4. _____ Did we DIE?! Is this hell?! Oh! we didn't, so you're telling me I'm just at work... well carry on then
  5. _____Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues.
  6. _____ So, when is the next end of the world?
  7. _____If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
  8. _____Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.
  9. _____The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015.
  10. _____Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor
  11. _____Embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
  12. _____Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
  13. _____spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what?!
  14. _____I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!
  1. _____I have the same level of concentration as someone defusing a bomb when Im entering the number combination of my snack in the vending machine
  2. _____The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me seven more times before then.
  3. _____I wish I could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill.
  4. _____You know it's a crappy gift when the giver launches into an explanation before you've finished unwrapping it.
  5. _____If you're not making your candy cane into a pointy sharp weapon, you're eating it wrong.
  6. _____I like to carry my drill in a holster not a gun, I still look intimidating but with the added bonus of being very handy.
  7. _____When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there.
  8. _____Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year.

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Christmas status updates

Friday, December 14, 2012


Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. Well, it's that time of the year when some people spend most of their year savings on gifts, parties and other crazy stuffs. SPEND WISELY MY READER, I still need you here next year. Those traveling travel safely.
Remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HAPPY HOLIDAYS' TO Y'ALL. To those who believe the world is gonna end on 21st Dec 2012, I've something to beg of you, please divide your fortune equally amongst those of us who believe that that is bull-crap!
Lets hook up on my FACEBOOK PAGE and feel free to post your epic Holiday status there.

Here are some awesome Christmas Statuses just for you:

  1. _____I find it extremely rude when you open a card & there's no money inside.
  2. _____ Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
  3. _____Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
  4. _____ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!
  5. _____ Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.(After Christmas)
  6. _____ Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmas time. wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was because my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
  7. _____ I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.
  8. _____ Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
  9. _____My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
  10. _____Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks.
  11. _____ I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
  12. _____Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!
  13. _____ It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year.
  14. _____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
  15. _____Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
  16. _____ I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
  17. _____I bought the Christmas Oreos... So don't tell me I don't have holiday spirit.
  18. _____ Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
  19. _____If you invite me to your Christmas party, you can count on me to quietly eat the entire cheese plate, say nothing to anyone, and leave.
  20. _____Nothing is more sad than a gift card that says "Cannot be used for the purchase of alcohol."
  21. _____ I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!
  22. _____Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
  23. _____ This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
  24. _____Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  25. _____You know it was a good Christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
  26. _____I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
  27. _____I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

Want some more funny, creative and witty status updates?
  1. _____Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
  2. _____I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
  3. _____I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, fuckface."
  4. _____I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
  5. _____I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.(classic)
  6. _____Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
  7. _____Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.

You may also like:

Funny Friday Status updates

Friday, December 7, 2012


  1. _____Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Red-box! (Funny drinking status)
  2. _____I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown! (Funny Christmas status)
  3. _____Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.(Funny broke status)
  4. _____If my wife ever have sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.(Funny relationship status)
  5. _____Dear Friday, What the hell took you so long? Is that b*tch Thursday blocking your way again? (Funny Friday status)
  6. _____My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.(funny relationship status)
  7. _____Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.(Funny interview status)
  8. _____The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.(Funny relationship status)
  9. _____That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.(Funny food status)
  10. _____From time to time I like to get in touch with my feminine side, So every now and again I'll throw something with my left hand.(Epic)

Monday, December 3, 2012


  1. _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
  2. _____If I ever write a suicide note, I’m going to start it off with “As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation…”(Epic)
  3. _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
  4. _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
  5. _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
  6. _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
  7. _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
  8. _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
  9. _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
  10. _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
  11. _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
  12. _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
  13. _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
  14. _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
  15. _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
  16. _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)

Sunday, November 25, 2012


  1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
  2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
  3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
  4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
  5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
  6. _____When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
  7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
  8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
  9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
  10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
  11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
  12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
  13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
  14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
  15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
  16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
  17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
  18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
  19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
  20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
  21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)
Join my FAN PAGE and post your funny status.

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Funny Friday Status Updates

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hilarious Thanksgiving Status Updates

  1. I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don’t like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting my house and car.
  2. Thanksgiving is the one day each year that families get together…and remind themselves why they only get together once a year.
  3. If you manage to attend a second Thanksgiving then you didn't do the first one right.
  4. Some of us live thousands of miles away from our families and don't get to be with them during the Holidays. Jealous?
  5. I train year round just for 2 days a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas. May have to break out the elastic pants after tomorrow.
  6. Don’t worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving
  7. The radio should've started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.
  8. Be thankful for everything you have. There is always somebody out there that is less fortunate than you. Hope everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
  9. I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."
  10. Driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.
Join my FAN PAGE and post your Thanksgiving funny status.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


  1. I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more.
  2. If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!
  3. Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.
  4. I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"
  5. My illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed.
  6. Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work
  7. This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.
  8. Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff.
  9. I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
  10. My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.
  11. I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. Some People are really nice.
  12. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
  13. I'm sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
  14. If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you’ve done your job as a parent.
  15. My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
  16. Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
  17. I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.
  18. Best childhood memory: Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning.
  19. People have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold.
  20. I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button eight times this morning and feel like a champion
  21. Very little happens at 3 o’clock in the morning, but when it does, it’s usually very memorable.
  22. I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning
  23. If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job would just come available I'll get it!
  24. Saying you’ll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it’s not important.
  25. I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

Become a fan of the New FACEBOOK PAGE For More. You are also allowed to post Your Funny post there. 

Monday, November 19, 2012


Become a fan of the New FACEBOOK PAGE For More. 

  1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
  2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
  3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
  4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
  5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
  6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
  7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
  8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
  9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
  10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
  11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
  12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
  13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
  14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
  15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
  16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
  17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
  18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
  19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
  20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
  21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
  22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
  23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
  24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
  25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
  26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
  27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
  28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
  29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
  30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
  31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
  32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
  33. Don't believe everything you think.
  34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
  35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
  36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
  37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
  38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
  39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
  40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
  41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
  42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
  43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
  44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
  45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
  46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
  47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
  48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
  49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
  50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

Friday, November 9, 2012


  1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
  2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
  3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
  4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
  5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
  6. Finally happened...knew it was beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
  7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
  8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
  9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
  10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
  11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
  12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
  13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
  14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
  15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
  16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
  17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
  18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
  19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
  20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
  21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
  22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
  23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
  24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
  25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
  26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
  27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
  28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
  29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
  30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
  31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
  32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
  33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
  34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
  35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
  36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
  37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
  38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
  39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
  40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
  41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
  42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
  43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Funny, Epic Facebook Statuses | Just to cheer you up

  1. The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
  2. Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
  3. If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
  4. WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
  5. When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."
  6. Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
  7. Sorry, I`m busy creating scenarios in my mind that I know will never come true
  8. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
  9. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message.
  10. Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
  11. I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
  12. I swear, school wouldn't be half as bad if we didn't have to wake up so damn early.
  13. My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
  14. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
  15. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.
  16. If you think my status is pointed at you.. you must have done something in the beginning to think its you I'm talking about
  17. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
  18. I wish politicians cared half as much about doing their job as they do about getting elected.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

  1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
  2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
  3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I’m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
  4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
  5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
  6. I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
  7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
  8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
  9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
  10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
  11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
  12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
  13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.
  14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
  15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
  16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
  17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
  18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
  19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
  20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
  21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
  22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
  23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
  24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hurricane Sandy Status Messages and Some More Midweek Stauses

  1. Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:
  2. Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.
  3. Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frigging Sandy.....
  4. My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that I'll lose power and can't Facebook.
  5. Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tomorrow. Sandy
  6. All I can say is Thank You Sandy for giving me a break from the Election!
  7. I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
  8. What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance, and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?
  9. Do the Chinese realize that when they visit Our Country, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
  10. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
  11. A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
  12. I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
  13. I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyways.
  14. Sometimes I feel like I'm just one mood swing away from getting my own padded room with a hug-yourself jacket.
  15. You unfriended me on Facebook? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.
  16. Yes, I`m single... and you`re gonna have to be pretty damn amazing to change that.
  17. Doing weird faces & sounds in an elevator & then realizing it has a camera.
  18. I`m so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
  19. I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
  20. Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
  21. I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
  22. *Washing Car* Friend: Sup dude, you washing your car? Me: No... I`m watering it to see if it grows into a bus!
  23. I can tell somethings wrong just by the way you text me.
  24. She spends hours and hours fixing her hair, just for the boy who will never care.
  25. How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

More Funny Status Messages This Friday

  1. Fire alarms should use the last of their battery to continue to monitor fire instead of getting all beepy!
  2. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
  3. If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
  4. The funny thing is that the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea that I am slowly brainwashing them.
  5. Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
  6. if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
  7. We can't date if you're gonna be all weird about my wife.
  8. Every once in a while you come across a child that makes you never want kids. I am the parent of that child.
  9. When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!
  10. When I say the other day, it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
  11. Is everything expensive or am I just that poor?
  12. I hate being tired in school and thinking "I`m going to take a nap as soon as I get home" and then when I get home I`m not tired anymore.
  13. Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes…the person you want most is the person you`re best without.
  14. After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

More Funny Midweek Statuses

  1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
  2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
  3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
  4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
  5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
  6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
  7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
  8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
  9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
  10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
  11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
  12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
  13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
  14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
  15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
  16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
  17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

Monday, October 22, 2012

New Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Ridiculous Status Messages

  1. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
  2. Just know that if I ever kill myself I will use it as an opportunity to frame someone else for murder.
  3. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
  4. Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
  5. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
  6. Whenever you're feeling dumb, remember there are people out there who truly believe that their life is defined by their horoscope.
  7. If I've learned anything from Game of Thrones it's that I need a wolf.
  8. I think one of my socks is pregnant.
  9. I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
  10. You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
  11. Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
  12. So I got up and made this chick breakfast this morning and instead of thanking me she ask me "how did you get in my house
  13. Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished.
  14. Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
  15. For some reason there are front cameras on iPod's and phones but girls act like it makes more sense to use the back camera and take a picture in a mirror.
  16. of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
  17. Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
  18. So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
  19. Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
  20. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
  21. thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
  22. I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
  23. My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
  24. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.
  25. Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
  26. 3 things I hate: stupid people and math.

Friday, October 19, 2012

More Friday Statuses just for you

  • Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.
  • I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?
  • Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"
  • Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  • It's Friday! Time to mute your conscience and party!
  • I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Nice Quote photo

Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful, they saw you through your teenage years and didn't kill you.

Halloween Facebook Statuses

  • if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
  • I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
  • Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween
  • All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!
  • For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
  • Hey people with $3k worth of Halloween decorations in your yard, WTF?
  • Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.
  • hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
  • Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
  • How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.
  • Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!


  1. want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares. Not me, but someone does.
  2. Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
  3. I’m not saying i’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
  4. The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
  5. I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
  6. With how much girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better.
  7. You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I’d like that in a Gatorade flavor.
  8. An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.
  9. I believe every single word you say. It’s when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it’s bullshit
  10. If you can read this then it’s your lucky day. I did my monthly facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month ;)
  11. Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.
  12. Next time I’m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I’m going to turn around and say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here.”
  13. The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
  14. I don’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all so young.
  15. I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
  16. Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi fived & I need a new bike.
  17. If you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
  18. Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
  19. You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
  20. Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...
  21. Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
  22. There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty think before you blow that sunshine.
  23. When you go out with a group you “check in” not only yourself but everyone you are with.
  24. If someone you know doesn’t have a Facebook they immediately become less interesting.
  25. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
  26. It’s not that your fat, it’s just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
  27. Princess meets a talking frog. Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince? Frog:Sorry lady but that was my grandfather's time, I need a blowjob.
  28. Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
  29. A dog asks a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
  30. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.
  31. Never judge a girl by her makeup!
  32. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  33. CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY’S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!
  34. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  35. Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly fart gas without anyone knowing.
  36. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
  37. "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
  38. A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
  39. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
  40. Some of you must really like to hear yourself type.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


  1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
  2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
  3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
  4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
  5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
  6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
  7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

Monday, October 15, 2012


  • The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
  • Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
  • I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
  • You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
  • The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
  • Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
  • Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
  • When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
  • My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
  • You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
  • I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
  • I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
  • You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
  • here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
  • I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
  • While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
  • I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
  • Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
  • My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
  • What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

Sunday, October 14, 2012


  • Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
  • I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
  • Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver
  • Monday is like a kid having s*x for the first came too soon!
  • Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
  • On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.
  • Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
  • Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
  • I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
  • You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
  • Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It’s Tuesday that sucks.
  • Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....
  • If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.
  • There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...
  • Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
  • I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
  • The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
  • Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.
  • If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
  • Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012


  • I really need a day in between Saturday an Sunday.
  • Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
  • Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's partying texts.
  • Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  • It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"
  • You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
  • Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?
  • Middle Age---When you sit at home on a Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you.
  • I Think my neighbor is holding a Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"
  • A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.
  • Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....
  • One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.
  • Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".
  • my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."
  • Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

Friday, October 12, 2012


  1. Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Jack Daniels and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  2. Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  3. Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
  4. I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.
  5. Friday, Yay the weekends here...*BLINK* Monday? WTF?
  6. Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.
  7. Friday, is that you???????
  8. Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.
  9. Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
  10. If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.
  11. Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  12. Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
  13. The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
  14. I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they are enjoying their Friday
  15. Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying they are out shopping on Friday.
  16. Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.
  17. dear Friday, I'm ready..
  18. It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.
  19. Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
  20. Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front
  21. instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .
  22. Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
  23. i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.
  24. Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out
  25. The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!
  26. has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!
  27. now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.
  28. Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!
  29. To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
  30. Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend on monday !!
  31. Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.
  32. In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.
  33. Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.
  34. loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
  35. I've run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

Monday, October 1, 2012


  1. I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
  2. My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.
  3. I really need a day in between Sunday and monday
  4. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
  5. I CAN READ YOUR MIND! 1) you're reading this aren't you 2) You can't say B without closing your mouth 3) LOL you just tried 4) you're laughing at the fact i'm right ...7) you didn't realise i missed 5 an 6 8) you just looked back at 4 and 7 to check 9) You know you want to like this ;)

Friday, September 28, 2012

I learned to give not because I have much, but because I know how it feels to have nothing.

  1. We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.
  2. How to find the name of a song: Type all the words you know on Google and hope for the best.
  3. If I knew as much as I forgot, I'd be one smart person.
  4. It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorite celeb.
  5. Guys don't realize how hard it is to be a girl and have to pretend you never ever poop.
  6. In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation They'll have parents who know how to check their browser history.
  7. Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.
  8. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
  9. My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
  10. Putting on a warm shirt that just came out of the dryer is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever.
  11. I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.
  12. Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
  13. The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
  14. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
  15. If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

  1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
  2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
  3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
  4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
  5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
  6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
  7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
  8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
  9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
  10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend" -MID APRIL STATUSES

  • It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.
  • Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
  • The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
  • My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for f@cking my wife
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!
  • If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.
  • Go deep throat a cactus.
  • There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"
  • Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.
  • Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
  • I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.
  • Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.
  • If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.
  • Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
  • A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.
  • Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.
  • Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.
  • My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.
  • How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"