Thursday, October 18, 2012


  1. want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares. Not me, but someone does.
  2. Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
  3. I’m not saying i’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
  4. The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
  5. I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
  6. With how much girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better.
  7. You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I’d like that in a Gatorade flavor.
  8. An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.
  9. I believe every single word you say. It’s when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it’s bullshit
  10. If you can read this then it’s your lucky day. I did my monthly facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month ;)
  11. Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.
  12. Next time I’m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I’m going to turn around and say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here.”
  13. The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
  14. I don’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all so young.
  15. I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
  16. Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi fived & I need a new bike.
  17. If you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
  18. Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
  19. You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
  20. Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...
  21. Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
  22. There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty think before you blow that sunshine.
  23. When you go out with a group you “check in” not only yourself but everyone you are with.
  24. If someone you know doesn’t have a Facebook they immediately become less interesting.
  25. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
  26. It’s not that your fat, it’s just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
  27. Princess meets a talking frog. Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince? Frog:Sorry lady but that was my grandfather's time, I need a blowjob.
  28. Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
  29. A dog asks a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
  30. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.
  31. Never judge a girl by her makeup!
  32. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  33. CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY’S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!
  34. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  35. Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly fart gas without anyone knowing.
  36. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
  37. "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
  38. A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
  39. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
  40. Some of you must really like to hear yourself type.


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