Monday, July 22, 2013

GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES


  1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
  2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
  3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
  4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
  5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
  6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
  7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
  8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
  9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
  10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
  11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
  12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
  13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
  14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
  15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
  16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
  17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

Friday, June 7, 2013

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

Looking for new witty hilarious Friday status updates? Well, you just landed at the right place. This blog has been here not for a very long time and if you've notice, It's long since I updated this blog. I've not been able to update new posts due to unavoidable circumstances... sorry for that guys. I've always wished to have this blog updated every now and then but guys, it's not an easy job. Lets cut the long story short and get down to business. I know your mouth must be watering for those witty Friday statuses that I have collected for you to keep your Facebook or tweeter on their toes wondering how smart you always become on Friday. ENJOY


  1. ____There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
  2. ____Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.
  3. ____A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
  4. ____When you're an Atheist, every Friday is good and nobody has to die.
  5. ____Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
  6. ____Finding out alcohol was a depressant made me question science.
  7. ____If I have to use gas station bathroom, I always open the door like I'm about to find a dead body in there.
  8. ____ Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!
  9. ____Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!
  10. ____To the 84yr woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby! It's Friday.
  11. ____Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.
  12. ____On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.
  13. ____Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
  14. ____ Who do atheists thank for Friday?
  15. ____Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
  16. ____ Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.
  17. ____ I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

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Friday, March 29, 2013

FUNNY EASTER HOLIDAYS STATUS UPDATES


  1. ____Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
  2. ____We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
  3. ____Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
  4. ____The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.
  5. ____I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I don't have to go to work.
  6. ____For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
  7. ____It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."
  8. ____Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?
  9. ____When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!" and walk away like a boss.
  10. ____I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn't stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
  11. ____They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!
  12. ____Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
  13. ____If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!
  14. ____Nails didn't keep Christ on the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.
  15. ____You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa is watching!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

FEBRUARY 2013 STATUS UPDATES ABOUT METEORITE, POPE AND PISTORIUS


Like I've always said, people will always come out with jokes out of any situation. It's amazing how creative some people can be. People don't depend on those same old jokes pasted allover the internet anymore. Well, here's a compilation of some of this funny, creative, witty, hilarious and some sad status updates thanks to the incidents happened in mid this month.

Pistorius:

  1. ____First Tiger Woods, then Lance Amsteong & now Oscar Pistorius.. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It".
  2. ____I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.
  3. ____Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.
  4. ____If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts.
  5. ____Having a wee laugh there imagining Oscar Pistorius being found innocent then outraging the world by marrying his gun.
  6. ____Roses are Red Violets are Glorious, Never Sneak up on Oscar Pistorius
  7. ____Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.
  8. ____Oscar Pistorius will try and plead temporary insanity! I personally do not think he has a leg to stand on!!

Meteorite:

  1. ____Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.
  2. ____Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?
  3. ____I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!
  4. ____I think it is high time Obama gets serious on meteorite control.
  5. ____Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations.
  6. ____Just checking if anyone on the other side of the planet has been blown up yet? Maybe been hit by a flaming meteorite? Mayan zombie hordes roaming the streets? Nope? Just want to know if I have to set my alarm to get up for work tomorrow...cheers
  7. ____Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
  8. ____Putting vodka in my juice, because it's Russia somewhere.
  9. ____In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us
  10. ____Since they can't seem to find any fragments from the meteor, anybody else thinking it was Wonder woman drinking and driving again?
  11. ____Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.
  12. ____A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.
  13. ____I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.
  14. ____That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
  15. ____I have to say I was a pretty stunned when heard the news and saw the video about the meteorite slamming into Russia. Thank God we live in the United States. Bruce Willis & Ben Affleck would have never let this happen to us. They would have blown it to smithereens before it ever reached the atmosphere.
  16. ____I wonder if Sarah Palin could see the meteor from her house.

Pope:

  1. ____They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.
  2. ____The difference between my boss and the pope is The pope only expects me to kiss his ring
  3. ____The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.
  4. ____if I sneeze and you're sitting next to me, it is acceptable to bless me. If I sneeze and you're 50 feet across the room from me, no need to shout at me unless you're the pope."
  5. ____Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair
  6. ____Pope just changed his relationship status to It's Complicated...
  7. ____The Pope is resigning, citing family reasons. He wants to spend more time with the kids.
  8. ____The other day Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church. Some, however, are questioning whether Obama deserved it.
  9. ____The attack on the Pope was really his own fault. After all he was wearing Axe Body Spray.
  10. ____I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
  11. ____Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...
  12. ____I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.
  13. ____Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
  14. ____I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"
  15. ____Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. We're not sure if Lady Gaga has one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses it. What is it? A last name.
  16. ____Not a good month for roman numerals, first SB XLVII pulls the plug, now Pope Benedict XVI aborts.
  17. ____I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.
  18. ____The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
  19. ____The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.
  20. ____Don't worry, Pope Benedict XVI, I get it. Mondays make me want to quit my job too.
  21. ____I expect Obama to name himself the new Pope soon.....
  22. ____A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."
  23. ____So the Pope walks into a bar........ because now he can.
  24. ____Looks like the Pope is headed for the old popes home..
  25. ____"I'll retire when Whitney Houston stays sober for a year" - Pope Benedict XVI, 2012.
  26. ____They should just make Sarah Palin pope. She can see heaven from her back yard.
  27. ____The Pope just wanted to prove he was a good Catholic by pulling out before finishing the job.
  28. ____You know the economy is bad when God start laying off people.
  29. ____New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.
  30. ____A lot of people are mad at the Pope for aborting his duties, but I feel like it's his body and he should be able to choose.
  31. ____I can't even imagine how awkward it was when the Pope told his boss he was quitting.
  32. ____I don't have a job and the church needs a new pope, this could be good for me.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

VALENTINE'S DAY STATUS UPDATES


Happy Valentine's Day to you all.


  1. _____My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much.
  2. _____The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
  3. _____I always Like to wear black on Valentine's day.
  4. _____Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
  5. _____You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up!
  6. _____Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
  7. _____ A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
  8. _____Now taking applications for a VALENTINE. Apply below.
  9. _____ Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!
  10. _____From all of us lonely hearts to you cuddly bastards on Valentine's day, we wish you cold sores and itchy rashes.
  11. _____I really wish I could kiss you on Valentines day but that's not gonna happen.
  12. _____Will you be my Valentine for an hour... We won't exchange gifts and we'll skip the night out and just make love?
  13. _____My home made Valentines Day cards say "Would let you lick all the cookie batter off the spoon." That shit says you care...
  14. _____From the moment our eyes first met, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life... trying to avoid you!
  15. _____I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my x..... Box 360.
  16. _____Valentine's is near and love is in the air. Don't breathe.
  17. _____Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and the "D" come together.
  18. _____Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?
  19. _____So do you call her at midnight to wish her Happy Valentine's Day? Or it can wait till morning? What's the procedure on these things?
  20. _____I wonder why folks celebrating the demise of a poor priest as 'Happy Valentine's Day' with such a festive mood.. It's 'RIP San Valentín'!
  21. _____Happy Valentine's Day for those who's got a valentine. I'm just gonna watch romantic movies and eat chocolate because I'm alone.

Well, for those who want some cool, romantic messages, here are some:

  1. _____Loving you is like breathing-so essential and important to remain alive.
  2. _____You always know exactly how I feel and you are always there to make me feel alright when I stay far away from you... It is love that keep the connection between us so strong.
  3. _____Calming me down when I am angry, understanding my silly ways even when I do not find words to express myself and still loving me so much... how do you do it all?
  4. _____Your presence in my life brings loving thoughts within my heart, wonderful smiles on my face and peace in my soul.
  5. _____You are not mine, but still I don't know why I am afraid of losing you.
  6. _____Last night I matched every star with a reason for loving you. I ran out of stars because my love is countless.
  7. _____When the days are dark and the nights are long, I shall be with you to make you feel good.
  8. _____The way you wake me up and hold me in your arms every morning makes for a great start of my day, and I know you will always make me feel this special no matter how much we grow old.
  9. _____I always wanted someone who will understand me and make me go beyond my weakness to achieve my goals, and in you I found my love. I love you more every day.
  10. _____I will wait for you till dawn even if it is the darkest night.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK


  1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
  2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
  3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
  4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
  5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
  6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
  7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
  8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
  9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
  10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
  11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
  12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
  13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
  14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
  15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
  16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
  17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
  18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
  19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
  20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
  21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
  22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
  23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
  24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
  25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
  26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
  27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
  28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
  29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
  30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
  31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
  32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
  33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
  34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
  35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
  36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
  37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
  38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
  39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
  40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
  41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
  42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
  43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
  44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
  45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

FUNNY NEW YEAR STATUS UPDATES | HAPPY 2013


Well, Finally we are here. The year some predicted we won't have a chance to see... It's year 2013 my friends. Anyway there is that stuff that we had enough of it last year and we don't want it to continue this year that could be music, celeb gossips, dance styles, fashion, slogans e.t.c. and there are those Resolutions everyone talks about. Well, here's some Clever, smart statuses I've compiled just for you my follower to kick start your 2013.

  1. _____Please no more Gangnam style, keep the gangnam style back in 2012.
  2. _____Well, I guess the movie 2012 can go in the comedy section now.
  3. _____Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
  4. _____The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.
  5. _____If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.
  6. _____Got off work today and went for a run, about halfway through I was disrupted by a small group of children who thought it would be funny to run 5 ft ahead of me screaming as though being chased.. making me appear to passers-by like some sort of sweaty pedophile, and prompting an elderly man to yell "Leave them kids alone!"
  7. _____10 years from now: "Dad, how did you meet mom?" "Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that."
  8. _____If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am.
  9. _____My new years resolution is 1920 x 1080.
  10. _____The problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."
  11. _____I was going to make my new years resolution to procrastinate more, but decided to wait until next year.
  12. _____I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
  13. _____Most people look forward to the New Year for a fresh start on old habits.
  14. _____In 2013 I will stop listening to these voices in my head!
  15. _____I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  16. _____Now what do I do? I haven't made any plans for New Year's since the world was going to end.
  17. _____It would be easier to keep my New Year’s resolution to accept and forgive people if they’d stop being the same jerks they were last year.

Feel free to use these statuses as yours on facebook. No permission required.