Sunday, November 25, 2012


  1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
  2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
  3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
  4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
  5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
  6. _____When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
  7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
  8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
  9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
  10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
  11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
  12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
  13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
  14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
  15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
  16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
  17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
  18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
  19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
  20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
  21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)
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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hilarious Thanksgiving Status Updates

  1. I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don’t like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting my house and car.
  2. Thanksgiving is the one day each year that families get together…and remind themselves why they only get together once a year.
  3. If you manage to attend a second Thanksgiving then you didn't do the first one right.
  4. Some of us live thousands of miles away from our families and don't get to be with them during the Holidays. Jealous?
  5. I train year round just for 2 days a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas. May have to break out the elastic pants after tomorrow.
  6. Don’t worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving
  7. The radio should've started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.
  8. Be thankful for everything you have. There is always somebody out there that is less fortunate than you. Hope everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
  9. I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."
  10. Driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.
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Tuesday, November 20, 2012


  1. I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more.
  2. If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!
  3. Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.
  4. I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"
  5. My illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed.
  6. Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work
  7. This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.
  8. Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff.
  9. I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
  10. My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.
  11. I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. Some People are really nice.
  12. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
  13. I'm sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
  14. If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you’ve done your job as a parent.
  15. My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
  16. Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
  17. I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.
  18. Best childhood memory: Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning.
  19. People have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold.
  20. I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button eight times this morning and feel like a champion
  21. Very little happens at 3 o’clock in the morning, but when it does, it’s usually very memorable.
  22. I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning
  23. If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job would just come available I'll get it!
  24. Saying you’ll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it’s not important.
  25. I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

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Monday, November 19, 2012


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  1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
  2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
  3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
  4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
  5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
  6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
  7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
  8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
  9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
  10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
  11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
  12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
  13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
  14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
  15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
  16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
  17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
  18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
  19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
  20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
  21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
  22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
  23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
  24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
  25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
  26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
  27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
  28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
  29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
  30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
  31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
  32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
  33. Don't believe everything you think.
  34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
  35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
  36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
  37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
  38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
  39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
  40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
  41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
  42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
  43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
  44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
  45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
  46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
  47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
  48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
  49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
  50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

Friday, November 9, 2012


  1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
  2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
  3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
  4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
  5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
  6. Finally happened...knew it was beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
  7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
  8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
  9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
  10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
  11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
  12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
  13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
  14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
  15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
  16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
  17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
  18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
  19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
  20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
  21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
  22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
  23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
  24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
  25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
  26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
  27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
  28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
  29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
  30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
  31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
  32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
  33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
  34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
  35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
  36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
  37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
  38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
  39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
  40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
  41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
  42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
  43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Funny, Epic Facebook Statuses | Just to cheer you up

  1. The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
  2. Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
  3. If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
  4. WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
  5. When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."
  6. Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
  7. Sorry, I`m busy creating scenarios in my mind that I know will never come true
  8. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
  9. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message.
  10. Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
  11. I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
  12. I swear, school wouldn't be half as bad if we didn't have to wake up so damn early.
  13. My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
  14. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
  15. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.
  16. If you think my status is pointed at you.. you must have done something in the beginning to think its you I'm talking about
  17. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
  18. I wish politicians cared half as much about doing their job as they do about getting elected.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

  1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
  2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
  3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I’m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
  4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
  5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
  6. I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
  7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
  8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
  9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
  10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
  11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
  12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
  13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.
  14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
  15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
  16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
  17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
  18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
  19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
  20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
  21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
  22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
  23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
  24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.