Monday, July 22, 2013

GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES


  1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
  2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
  3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
  4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
  5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
  6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
  7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
  8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
  9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
  10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
  11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
  12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
  13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
  14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
  15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
  16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
  17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.