45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK

1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

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Funny New Year Status Updates

FUNNY NEW YEAR STATUS UPDATES | HAPPY 2013

Well, Finally we are here. The year some predicted we won't have a chance to see... It's year 2013 my friends. Anyway there is that stuff that we had enough of it last year and we don't want it to continue this year that could be music, celeb gossips, dance styles, fashion, slogans e.t.c. and there are those Resolutions everyone talks about. Well, here's some Clever, smart statuses I've compiled just for you my follower to kick start your 2013.

1. _____Please no more Gangnam style, keep the gangnam style back in 2012.
2. _____Well, I guess the movie 2012 can go in the comedy section now.
3. _____Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
4. _____The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.
5. _____If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.
6. _____Got off work today and went for a run, about halfway through I was disrupted by a small group of children who thought it would be funny to run 5 ft ahead of me screaming as though being chased.. making me appear to passers-by like some sort of sweaty pedophile, and prompting an elderly man to yell "Leave them kids alone!"
7. _____10 years from now: "Dad, how did you meet mom?" "Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that."
8. _____If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am.
9. _____My new years resolution is 1920 x 1080.
10. _____The problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."
11. _____I was going to make my new years resolution to procrastinate more, but decided to wait until next year.
12. _____I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
13. _____Most people look forward to the New Year for a fresh start on old habits.
14. _____In 2013 I will stop listening to these voices in my head!
15. _____I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
16. _____Now what do I do? I haven't made any plans for New Year's since the world was going to end.
17. _____It would be easier to keep my New Year’s resolution to accept and forgive people if they’d stop being the same jerks they were last year.

Feel free to use these statuses as yours on facebook. No permission required.