CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I already hate next year.
2. _____January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
3. _____ I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
4. _____I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
5. _____Mass hysteria, people losing their morals, bodies all over the place!" No its not the end of the world but probably one hell of a party.
6. _____ Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!
7. _____The world should consider ditching the metric system to use the American system, where everything is measured in shitloads and fucktons.
8. _____Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.
9. _____The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
10. _____ After Facebook picked our minds for years, now it is asking How's it going? How am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy?
11. _____I changed all my passwords to "women" since no one can figure them out.
12. _____I sneaked in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
13. _____Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
14. _____Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting you to their club of misery.
15. _____You find my language offensive? I find yours generally chipper disposition completely unsettling, but I'm not all fucking uppity about it.
16. _____As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I’m slashing his tires.
17. _____Admitting you have a problem is the first step: Hello. My name is ________, and I'm an idiot. It's been _____ days since my last good decision.