WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."