45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK

1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

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