GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES

1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

FUNNY EASTER HOLIDAYS STATUS UPDATES

1. ____Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
2. ____We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
3. ____Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
4. ____The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.
5. ____I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I don't have to go to work.
6. ____For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
7. ____It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."
8. ____Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?
9. ____When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!" and walk away like a boss.
10. ____I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn't stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
11. ____They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!
12. ____Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
13. ____If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!
14. ____Nails didn't keep Christ on the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.
15. ____You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa is watching!

VALENTINE'S DAY STATUS UPDATES

Happy Valentine's Day to you all.

1. _____My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much.
2. _____The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
3. _____I always Like to wear black on Valentine's day.
4. _____Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
5. _____You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up!
6. _____Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
7. _____ A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
8. _____Now taking applications for a VALENTINE. Apply below.
9. _____ Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!
10. _____From all of us lonely hearts to you cuddly bastards on Valentine's day, we wish you cold sores and itchy rashes.
11. _____I really wish I could kiss you on Valentines day but that's not gonna happen.
12. _____Will you be my Valentine for an hour... We won't exchange gifts and we'll skip the night out and just make love?
13. _____My home made Valentines Day cards say "Would let you lick all the cookie batter off the spoon." That shit says you care...
14. _____From the moment our eyes first met, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life... trying to avoid you!
15. _____I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my x..... Box 360.
16. _____Valentine's is near and love is in the air. Don't breathe.
17. _____Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and the "D" come together.
18. _____Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?
19. _____So do you call her at midnight to wish her Happy Valentine's Day? Or it can wait till morning? What's the procedure on these things?
20. _____I wonder why folks celebrating the demise of a poor priest as 'Happy Valentine's Day' with such a festive mood.. It's 'RIP San Valentín'!
21. _____Happy Valentine's Day for those who's got a valentine. I'm just gonna watch romantic movies and eat chocolate because I'm alone.

Well, for those who want some cool, romantic messages, here are some:

1. _____Loving you is like breathing-so essential and important to remain alive.
2. _____You always know exactly how I feel and you are always there to make me feel alright when I stay far away from you... It is love that keep the connection between us so strong.
3. _____Calming me down when I am angry, understanding my silly ways even when I do not find words to express myself and still loving me so much... how do you do it all?
4. _____Your presence in my life brings loving thoughts within my heart, wonderful smiles on my face and peace in my soul.
5. _____You are not mine, but still I don't know why I am afraid of losing you.
6. _____Last night I matched every star with a reason for loving you. I ran out of stars because my love is countless.
7. _____When the days are dark and the nights are long, I shall be with you to make you feel good.
8. _____The way you wake me up and hold me in your arms every morning makes for a great start of my day, and I know you will always make me feel this special no matter how much we grow old.
9. _____I always wanted someone who will understand me and make me go beyond my weakness to achieve my goals, and in you I found my love. I love you more every day.
10. _____I will wait for you till dawn even if it is the darkest night.

45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK

1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

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Funny New Year Status Updates

FUNNY NEW YEAR STATUS UPDATES | HAPPY 2013

Well, Finally we are here. The year some predicted we won't have a chance to see... It's year 2013 my friends. Anyway there is that stuff that we had enough of it last year and we don't want it to continue this year that could be music, celeb gossips, dance styles, fashion, slogans e.t.c. and there are those Resolutions everyone talks about. Well, here's some Clever, smart statuses I've compiled just for you my follower to kick start your 2013.

1. _____Please no more Gangnam style, keep the gangnam style back in 2012.
2. _____Well, I guess the movie 2012 can go in the comedy section now.
3. _____Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
4. _____The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.
5. _____If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.
6. _____Got off work today and went for a run, about halfway through I was disrupted by a small group of children who thought it would be funny to run 5 ft ahead of me screaming as though being chased.. making me appear to passers-by like some sort of sweaty pedophile, and prompting an elderly man to yell "Leave them kids alone!"
7. _____10 years from now: "Dad, how did you meet mom?" "Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic, so I had to friend request that."
8. _____If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am.
9. _____My new years resolution is 1920 x 1080.
10. _____The problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."
11. _____I was going to make my new years resolution to procrastinate more, but decided to wait until next year.
12. _____I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
13. _____Most people look forward to the New Year for a fresh start on old habits.
14. _____In 2013 I will stop listening to these voices in my head!
15. _____I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
16. _____Now what do I do? I haven't made any plans for New Year's since the world was going to end.
17. _____It would be easier to keep my New Year’s resolution to accept and forgive people if they’d stop being the same jerks they were last year.

Feel free to use these statuses as yours on facebook. No permission required.

CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I already hate next year.
2. _____January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
3. _____ I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas
4. _____I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.
5. _____Mass hysteria, people losing their morals, bodies all over the place!" No its not the end of the world but probably one hell of a party.
6. _____ Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!
7. _____The world should consider ditching the metric system to use the American system, where everything is measured in shitloads and fucktons.
8. _____Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun.
9. _____The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
10. _____ After Facebook picked our minds for years, now it is asking How's it going? How am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy?
11. _____I changed all my passwords to "women" since no one can figure them out.
12. _____I sneaked in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
13. _____Does "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
14. _____Married people always ask when you're getting married like they get points for recruiting you to their club of misery.
15. _____You find my language offensive? I find yours generally chipper disposition completely unsettling, but I'm not all fucking uppity about it.
16. _____As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I’m slashing his tires.
17. _____Admitting you have a problem is the first step: Hello. My name is ________, and I'm an idiot. It's been _____ days since my last good decision.

END OF THE WORLD STATUS UPDATES

People on Social sites will always make a joke out of anything. I had no plans to post anything here today but after checking out what people are saying about this "END OF THE WORLD" thing I'm left with no other choice. Well, here's a collection of just a few status updates that am sure you'll like.

1. _____I woke up alive! GREAT! Now I have to go put real gifts in all those pretty wrapped boxes. Can't NEVER count on NOBODY these days.
2. _____Hi guys. Good news! It's the 21st and the world hasn't ended. Love, Australia.
3. _____If you woke up this morning my mission to save the world was successful.
4. _____ Did we DIE?! Is this hell?! Oh! we didn't, so you're telling me I'm just at work... well carry on then
5. _____Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues.
6. _____ So, when is the next end of the world?
7. _____If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
8. _____Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.
9. _____The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015.
10. _____Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor
11. _____Embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
12. _____Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
13. _____spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what?!
14. _____I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

Others:

1. _____I have the same level of concentration as someone defusing a bomb when Im entering the number combination of my snack in the vending machine
2. _____The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me seven more times before then.
3. _____I wish I could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill.
4. _____You know it's a crappy gift when the giver launches into an explanation before you've finished unwrapping it.
5. _____If you're not making your candy cane into a pointy sharp weapon, you're eating it wrong.
6. _____I like to carry my drill in a holster not a gun, I still look intimidating but with the added bonus of being very handy.
7. _____When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there.
8. _____Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year.

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Christmas status updates

FUNNY CHRISTMAS STATUS UPDATES

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. Well, it's that time of the year when some people spend most of their year savings on gifts, parties and other crazy stuffs. SPEND WISELY MY READER, I still need you here next year. Those traveling travel safely.
Remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HAPPY HOLIDAYS' TO Y'ALL. To those who believe the world is gonna end on 21st Dec 2012, I've something to beg of you, please divide your fortune equally amongst those of us who believe that that is bull-crap!

Lets hook up on my FACEBOOK PAGE and feel free to post your epic Holiday status there.

Here are some awesome Christmas Statuses just for you:

1. _____I find it extremely rude when you open a card & there's no money inside.
2. _____ Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
3. _____Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
4. _____ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!
5. _____ Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.(After Christmas)
6. _____ Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmas time. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was because my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
7. _____ I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.
8. _____ Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
9. _____My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
10. _____Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks.
11. _____ I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
12. _____Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!
13. _____ It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year.
14. _____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
15. _____Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
16. _____ I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
17. _____I bought the Christmas Oreos... So don't tell me I don't have holiday spirit.
18. _____ Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
19. _____If you invite me to your Christmas party, you can count on me to quietly eat the entire cheese plate, say nothing to anyone, and leave.
20. _____Nothing is more sad than a gift card that says "Cannot be used for the purchase of alcohol."
21. _____ I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!
22. _____Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
23. _____ This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
24. _____Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
25. _____You know it was a good Christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
26. _____I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
27. _____I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

Want some more funny, creative and witty status updates?

1. _____Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
2. _____I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
3. _____I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, fuckface."
4. _____I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
5. _____I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.(classic)
6. _____Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
7. _____Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.

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Funny Friday Status updates

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
2. _____If I ever write a suicide note, I’m going to start it off with “As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation…”(Epic)
3. _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
4. _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
5. _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
6. _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
7. _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
8. _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
9. _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
10. _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
11. _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
12. _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
13. _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
14. _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
15. _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
16. _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)

21 FUNNY, EPIC, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
6. _____When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)

Join my FAN PAGE and post your funny status.

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Funny Friday Status Updates

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Hilarious Thanksgiving Status Updates

1. I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don’t like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting my house and car.
2. Thanksgiving is the one day each year that families get together…and remind themselves why they only get together once a year.
3. If you manage to attend a second Thanksgiving then you didn't do the first one right.
4. Some of us live thousands of miles away from our families and don't get to be with them during the Holidays. Jealous?
5. I train year round just for 2 days a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas. May have to break out the elastic pants after tomorrow.
6. Don’t worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving
7. The radio should've started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.
8. Be thankful for everything you have. There is always somebody out there that is less fortunate than you. Hope everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
9. I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."
10. Driving out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. But first, a stop at the airport for a quickie.

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25 CLASSIC MORNING FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more.
2. If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!
3. Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.
4. I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"
5. My illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed.
6. Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work
7. This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.
8. Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff.
9. I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
10. My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.
11. I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. Some People are really nice.
12. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
13. I'm sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
14. If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you’ve done your job as a parent.
15. My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
16. Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
17. I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.
18. Best childhood memory: Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning.
19. People have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold.
20. I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button eight times this morning and feel like a champion
21. Very little happens at 3 o’clock in the morning, but when it does, it’s usually very memorable.
22. I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning
23. If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job would just come available I'll get it!
24. Saying you’ll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it’s not important.
25. I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

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50 NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL TRIGGER MORE LIKES

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1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
33. Don't believe everything you think.
34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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Funny, Epic Facebook Statuses | Just to cheer you up

1. The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
2. Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
3. If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
4. WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
5. When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."
6. Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
7. Sorry, I`m busy creating scenarios in my mind that I know will never come true
8. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
9. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message.
10. Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
11. I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
12. I swear, school wouldn't be half as bad if we didn't have to wake up so damn early.
13. My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
14. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
15. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.
16. If you think my status is pointed at you.. you must have done something in the beginning to think its you I'm talking about
17. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
18. I wish politicians cared half as much about doing their job as they do about getting elected.

More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I’m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
6. I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.
14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.

More Funny Status Messages This Friday

1. Fire alarms should use the last of their battery to continue to monitor fire instead of getting all beepy!
2. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
3. If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
4. The funny thing is that the vast majority of my Facebook friends have no idea that I am slowly brainwashing them.
5. Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
6. if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
7. We can't date if you're gonna be all weird about my wife.
8. Every once in a while you come across a child that makes you never want kids. I am the parent of that child.
9. When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches!
10. When I say the other day, it can mean any time from yesterday to 364 days ago.
11. Is everything expensive or am I just that poor?
12. I hate being tired in school and thinking "I`m going to take a nap as soon as I get home" and then when I get home I`m not tired anymore.
13. Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes…the person you want most is the person you`re best without.
14. After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Halloween Facebook Statuses

• if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
• I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
• Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween
• All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time!
• For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
• Hey people with $3k worth of Halloween decorations in your yard, WTF?
• Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.
• hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
• Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
• How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.
• Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

ALL TIME BEST, FUNNY, EPIC, SMART FACEBOOK STATUS

1. want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares. Not me, but someone does.
2. Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
3. I’m not saying i’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
4. The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
5. I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
6. With how much girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better.
7. You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I’d like that in a Gatorade flavor.
8. An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.
9. I believe every single word you say. It’s when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it’s bullshit
10. If you can read this then it’s your lucky day. I did my monthly facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month ;)
11. Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.
12. Next time I’m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I’m going to turn around and say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here.”
13. The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
14. I don’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all so young.
15. I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
16. Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi fived & I need a new bike.
17. If you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
18. Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
19. You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
20. Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...
21. Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
22. There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.
23. When you go out with a group you “check in” not only yourself but everyone you are with.
24. If someone you know doesn’t have a Facebook they immediately become less interesting.
25. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
26. It’s not that your fat, it’s just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
27. Princess meets a talking frog. Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince? Frog:Sorry lady but that was my grandfather's time, I need a blowjob.
28. Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
29. A dog asks a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
30. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.
31. Never judge a girl by her makeup!
32. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
33. CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY’S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!
34. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
35. Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly fart gas without anyone knowing.
36. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
37. "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
38. A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
39. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
40. Some of you must really like to hear yourself type.