GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES

1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK

1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

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Funny New Year Status Updates

END OF THE WORLD STATUS UPDATES

People on Social sites will always make a joke out of anything. I had no plans to post anything here today but after checking out what people are saying about this "END OF THE WORLD" thing I'm left with no other choice. Well, here's a collection of just a few status updates that am sure you'll like.

1. _____I woke up alive! GREAT! Now I have to go put real gifts in all those pretty wrapped boxes. Can't NEVER count on NOBODY these days.
2. _____Hi guys. Good news! It's the 21st and the world hasn't ended. Love, Australia.
3. _____If you woke up this morning my mission to save the world was successful.
4. _____ Did we DIE?! Is this hell?! Oh! we didn't, so you're telling me I'm just at work... well carry on then
5. _____Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues.
6. _____ So, when is the next end of the world?
7. _____If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership
8. _____Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.
9. _____The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015.
10. _____Before we blame the Mayans let us ask ourselves; what if Bruce Willis and his crew are actually up there and they have successfully nuked the meteor
11. _____Embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
12. _____Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.
13. _____spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what?!
14. _____I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

Others:

1. _____I have the same level of concentration as someone defusing a bomb when Im entering the number combination of my snack in the vending machine
2. _____The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me seven more times before then.
3. _____I wish I could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill.
4. _____You know it's a crappy gift when the giver launches into an explanation before you've finished unwrapping it.
5. _____If you're not making your candy cane into a pointy sharp weapon, you're eating it wrong.
6. _____I like to carry my drill in a holster not a gun, I still look intimidating but with the added bonus of being very handy.
7. _____When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now? I make life decisions in there.
8. _____Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year.

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50 NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL TRIGGER MORE LIKES

Become a fan of the New FACEBOOK PAGE For More. 

1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
33. Don't believe everything you think.
34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

Funny, Epic Facebook Statuses | Just to cheer you up

1. The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
2. Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
3. If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
4. WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
5. When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."
6. Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
7. Sorry, I`m busy creating scenarios in my mind that I know will never come true
8. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
9. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message.
10. Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
11. I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
12. I swear, school wouldn't be half as bad if we didn't have to wake up so damn early.
13. My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
14. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
15. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.
16. If you think my status is pointed at you.. you must have done something in the beginning to think its you I'm talking about
17. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
18. I wish politicians cared half as much about doing their job as they do about getting elected.