- _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
- _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
- _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
- _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
- _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
- _____When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
- _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
- _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
- _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
- _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
- _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
- _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
- _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
- _____
that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
- _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
- _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
- _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
- _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
- _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
- _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
- _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)
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