10 FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Red-box! (Funny drinking status)
2. _____I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown! (Funny Christmas status)
3. _____Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.(Funny broke status)
4. _____If my wife ever have sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.(Funny relationship status)
5. _____Dear Friday, What the hell took you so long? Is that b*tch Thursday blocking your way again? (Funny Friday status)
6. _____My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.(funny relationship status)
7. _____Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.(Funny interview status)
8. _____The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.(Funny relationship status)
9. _____That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.(Funny food status)
10. _____From time to time I like to get in touch with my feminine side, So every now and again I'll throw something with my left hand.(Epic)

25 CLASSIC MORNING FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more.
2. If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!
3. Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.
4. I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"
5. My illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed.
6. Call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work
7. This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.
8. Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff.
9. I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
10. My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.
11. I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. Some People are really nice.
12. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
13. I'm sorry boss, I know I said I’d do that report this morning. But the girl next to me on the train was wearing a short skirt, & I forgot I even had a job.
14. If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you’ve done your job as a parent.
15. My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
16. Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
17. I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.
18. Best childhood memory: Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning.
19. People have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold.
20. I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button eight times this morning and feel like a champion
21. Very little happens at 3 o’clock in the morning, but when it does, it’s usually very memorable.
22. I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning
23. If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job would just come available I'll get it!
24. Saying you’ll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it’s not important.
25. I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

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More Funny Status Message to use as you.. | Halloween Madness | Harricane Sandy

1. How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
2. Technically, I never really lost my mind. It just got scared and ran away.
3. I`m always the one attempting to catch people when they fall. Now I’m beginning to wonder who`s going to catch me?
4. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!
5. I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.
6. I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream
7. The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.
8. Not telling me something because you "don`t want to piss me off" is probably the best way to piss me off.
9. I just spotted some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces.
10. I crush up cheetos, pour the dust into a salt shaker, and sprinkle it on everything.
11. Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
12. Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.
13. What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.
14. Just remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don`t speak english.
15. Can you imagine pulling soft French bread out of the oven, breaking it in half, and sticking your feet in your brand new bread slippers?
16. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
17. Don't know what's happening outside but inside my blanket fort it's partly lazy with a 100% chance of awesome.
18. Just woke up from a blackout and my whole block is without power and a bunch of cars on the street are smashed. WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!!
19. When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.
20. Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
21. The HR department said its OK for me to dress up as Winnie The Pooh for Halloween. So I'm wearing a short-sleeved red sweater, nothing else.
22. The cops were like "say the alphabet backwards" so I said "the alphabet backwards" and we laughed and laughed. Send bail money.
23. This Status is old.....I'll just go stand in the corner
24. I'd probably watch an episode of The Jersey Shore if the cast was learning how to surf right now.