43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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18 FUNNY, HILARIOUS CLASSIC SATURDAY STATUSES

• I really need a day in between Saturday an Sunday.
• Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
• Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's partying texts.
• Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
• It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"
• You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
• Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?
• Middle Age---When you sit at home on a Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you.
• I Think my neighbor is holding a Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"
• A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.
• Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....
• One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.
• Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".
• my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."
• Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

35 WITTY HILARIOUS FRIDAY STATUSES

1. Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Jack Daniels and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
2. Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
3. Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
4. I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.
5. Friday, Yay the weekends here...*BLINK* Monday? WTF?
6. Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.
7. Friday, is that you???????
8. Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.
9. Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
10. If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.
11. Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
12. Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
13. The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
14. I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they are enjoying their Friday
15. Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying they are out shopping on Friday.
16. Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.
17. dear Friday, I'm ready..
18. It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.
19. Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
20. Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front
21. instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .
22. Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
23. i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.
24. Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out
25. The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!
26. has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!
27. now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.
28. Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!
29. To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
30. Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend on monday !!
31. Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.
32. In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.
33. Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.
34. loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
35. I've run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."