FUNNY EASTER HOLIDAYS STATUS UPDATES

1. ____Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
2. ____We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
3. ____Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
4. ____The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.
5. ____I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I don't have to go to work.
6. ____For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
7. ____It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."
8. ____Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?
9. ____When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!" and walk away like a boss.
10. ____I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn't stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
11. ____They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!
12. ____Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
13. ____If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!
14. ____Nails didn't keep Christ on the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.
15. ____You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa is watching!

VALENTINE'S DAY STATUS UPDATES

Happy Valentine's Day to you all.

1. _____My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much.
2. _____The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
3. _____I always Like to wear black on Valentine's day.
4. _____Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
5. _____You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up!
6. _____Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
7. _____ A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.
8. _____Now taking applications for a VALENTINE. Apply below.
9. _____ Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!
10. _____From all of us lonely hearts to you cuddly bastards on Valentine's day, we wish you cold sores and itchy rashes.
11. _____I really wish I could kiss you on Valentines day but that's not gonna happen.
12. _____Will you be my Valentine for an hour... We won't exchange gifts and we'll skip the night out and just make love?
13. _____My home made Valentines Day cards say "Would let you lick all the cookie batter off the spoon." That shit says you care...
14. _____From the moment our eyes first met, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life... trying to avoid you!
15. _____I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my x..... Box 360.
16. _____Valentine's is near and love is in the air. Don't breathe.
17. _____Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and the "D" come together.
18. _____Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?
19. _____So do you call her at midnight to wish her Happy Valentine's Day? Or it can wait till morning? What's the procedure on these things?
20. _____I wonder why folks celebrating the demise of a poor priest as 'Happy Valentine's Day' with such a festive mood.. It's 'RIP San Valentín'!
21. _____Happy Valentine's Day for those who's got a valentine. I'm just gonna watch romantic movies and eat chocolate because I'm alone.

Well, for those who want some cool, romantic messages, here are some:

1. _____Loving you is like breathing-so essential and important to remain alive.
2. _____You always know exactly how I feel and you are always there to make me feel alright when I stay far away from you... It is love that keep the connection between us so strong.
3. _____Calming me down when I am angry, understanding my silly ways even when I do not find words to express myself and still loving me so much... how do you do it all?
4. _____Your presence in my life brings loving thoughts within my heart, wonderful smiles on my face and peace in my soul.
5. _____You are not mine, but still I don't know why I am afraid of losing you.
6. _____Last night I matched every star with a reason for loving you. I ran out of stars because my love is countless.
7. _____When the days are dark and the nights are long, I shall be with you to make you feel good.
8. _____The way you wake me up and hold me in your arms every morning makes for a great start of my day, and I know you will always make me feel this special no matter how much we grow old.
9. _____I always wanted someone who will understand me and make me go beyond my weakness to achieve my goals, and in you I found my love. I love you more every day.
10. _____I will wait for you till dawn even if it is the darkest night.

FUNNY CHRISTMAS STATUS UPDATES

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. Well, it's that time of the year when some people spend most of their year savings on gifts, parties and other crazy stuffs. SPEND WISELY MY READER, I still need you here next year. Those traveling travel safely.
Remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HAPPY HOLIDAYS' TO Y'ALL. To those who believe the world is gonna end on 21st Dec 2012, I've something to beg of you, please divide your fortune equally amongst those of us who believe that that is bull-crap!

Lets hook up on my FACEBOOK PAGE and feel free to post your epic Holiday status there.

Here are some awesome Christmas Statuses just for you:

1. _____I find it extremely rude when you open a card & there's no money inside.
2. _____ Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
3. _____Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
4. _____ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!
5. _____ Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.(After Christmas)
6. _____ Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmas time. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was because my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
7. _____ I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.
8. _____ Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
9. _____My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
10. _____Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks.
11. _____ I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
12. _____Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!
13. _____ It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year.
14. _____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
15. _____Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
16. _____ I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
17. _____I bought the Christmas Oreos... So don't tell me I don't have holiday spirit.
18. _____ Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
19. _____If you invite me to your Christmas party, you can count on me to quietly eat the entire cheese plate, say nothing to anyone, and leave.
20. _____Nothing is more sad than a gift card that says "Cannot be used for the purchase of alcohol."
21. _____ I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!
22. _____Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
23. _____ This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
24. _____Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
25. _____You know it was a good Christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
26. _____I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
27. _____I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

Want some more funny, creative and witty status updates?

1. _____Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
2. _____I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
3. _____I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, fuckface."
4. _____I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
5. _____I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.(classic)
6. _____Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
7. _____Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.

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Funny Friday Status updates

NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
2. _____If I ever write a suicide note, I’m going to start it off with “As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation…”(Epic)
3. _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
4. _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
5. _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
6. _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
7. _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
8. _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
9. _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
10. _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
11. _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
12. _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
13. _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
14. _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
15. _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
16. _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)

50 NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL TRIGGER MORE LIKES

Become a fan of the New FACEBOOK PAGE For More. 

1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
33. Don't believe everything you think.
34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

Funny, Epic Facebook Statuses | Just to cheer you up

1. The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?
2. Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
3. If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
4. WHen some one says "Hey, can I borrow a pen?", I think *Hmmm, which pen do I not need back?*
5. When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."
6. Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
7. Sorry, I`m busy creating scenarios in my mind that I know will never come true
8. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
9. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message.
10. Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
11. I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
12. I swear, school wouldn't be half as bad if we didn't have to wake up so damn early.
13. My favorite activity is pretending that I can sing.
14. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.
15. I’d like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.
16. If you think my status is pointed at you.. you must have done something in the beginning to think its you I'm talking about
17. I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
18. I wish politicians cared half as much about doing their job as they do about getting elected.

Hurricane Sandy Status Messages and Some More Midweek Stauses

1. Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:
2. Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.
3. Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frigging Sandy.....
4. My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that I'll lose power and can't Facebook.
5. Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tomorrow. Sandy
6. All I can say is Thank You Sandy for giving me a break from the Election!
7. I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
8. What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance, and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?
9. Do the Chinese realize that when they visit Our Country, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
10. I'm a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Some day I'm gonna be awesome.
11. A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
12. I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they're and their. From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
13. I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyways.
14. Sometimes I feel like I'm just one mood swing away from getting my own padded room with a hug-yourself jacket.
15. You unfriended me on Facebook? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.
16. Yes, I`m single... and you`re gonna have to be pretty damn amazing to change that.
17. Doing weird faces & sounds in an elevator & then realizing it has a camera.
18. I`m so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.
19. I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
20. Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
21. I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
22. *Washing Car* Friend: Sup dude, you washing your car? Me: No... I`m watering it to see if it grows into a bus!
23. I can tell somethings wrong just by the way you text me.
24. She spends hours and hours fixing her hair, just for the boy who will never care.
25. How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

More Funny Midweek Statuses

1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

New Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Ridiculous Status Messages

1. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
2. Just know that if I ever kill myself I will use it as an opportunity to frame someone else for murder.
3. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
4. Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
5. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
6. Whenever you're feeling dumb, remember there are people out there who truly believe that their life is defined by their horoscope.
7. If I've learned anything from Game of Thrones it's that I need a wolf.
8. I think one of my socks is pregnant.
9. I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
10. You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
11. Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
12. So I got up and made this chick breakfast this morning and instead of thanking me she ask me "how did you get in my house
13. Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished.
14. Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
15. For some reason there are front cameras on iPod's and phones but girls act like it makes more sense to use the back camera and take a picture in a mirror.
16. of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
17. Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
18. So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
19. Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
20. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
21. thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
22. I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
23. My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
24. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.
25. Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
26. 3 things I hate: stupid people and math.

ALL TIME BEST, FUNNY, EPIC, SMART FACEBOOK STATUS

1. want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares. Not me, but someone does.
2. Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
3. I’m not saying i’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
4. The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
5. I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
6. With how much girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better.
7. You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I’d like that in a Gatorade flavor.
8. An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.
9. I believe every single word you say. It’s when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it’s bullshit
10. If you can read this then it’s your lucky day. I did my monthly facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month ;)
11. Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.
12. Next time I’m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I’m going to turn around and say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here.”
13. The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
14. I don’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all so young.
15. I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
16. Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi fived & I need a new bike.
17. If you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
18. Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
19. You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
20. Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...
21. Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
22. There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.
23. When you go out with a group you “check in” not only yourself but everyone you are with.
24. If someone you know doesn’t have a Facebook they immediately become less interesting.
25. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
26. It’s not that your fat, it’s just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
27. Princess meets a talking frog. Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince? Frog:Sorry lady but that was my grandfather's time, I need a blowjob.
28. Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
29. A dog asks a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
30. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.
31. Never judge a girl by her makeup!
32. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
33. CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY’S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!
34. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
35. Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly fart gas without anyone knowing.
36. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
37. "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
38. A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
39. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
40. Some of you must really like to hear yourself type.

THE DEBATE SOCIAL MADNESS STATUSES.

1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

18 FUNNY, HILARIOUS CLASSIC SATURDAY STATUSES

• I really need a day in between Saturday an Sunday.
• Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
• Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's partying texts.
• Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
• It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"
• You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
• Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?
• Middle Age---When you sit at home on a Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you.
• I Think my neighbor is holding a Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"
• A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.
• Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....
• One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.
• Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".
• my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."
• Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

CRAZY, EPIC MONDAY STATUSES

1. I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
2. My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.
3. I really need a day in between Sunday and monday
4. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
5. I CAN READ YOUR MIND! 1) you're reading this aren't you 2) You can't say B without closing your mouth 3) LOL you just tried 4) you're laughing at the fact i'm right ...7) you didn't realise i missed 5 an 6 8) you just looked back at 4 and 7 to check 9) You know you want to like this ;)

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven’t seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again. 
• is it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites. 
• You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week. 
•   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates! 
•   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D. 
•   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave. 
•   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go. !''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!'' 
•   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.     

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair. 
• I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own. 
•   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes. 
•   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity. 
•   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries. 
•   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment. 
•   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!
•   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you. 
•   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead.