43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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More Funny Midweek Statuses

1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

New Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Ridiculous Status Messages

1. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
2. Just know that if I ever kill myself I will use it as an opportunity to frame someone else for murder.
3. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
4. Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
5. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
6. Whenever you're feeling dumb, remember there are people out there who truly believe that their life is defined by their horoscope.
7. If I've learned anything from Game of Thrones it's that I need a wolf.
8. I think one of my socks is pregnant.
9. I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
10. You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
11. Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
12. So I got up and made this chick breakfast this morning and instead of thanking me she ask me "how did you get in my house
13. Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished.
14. Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
15. For some reason there are front cameras on iPod's and phones but girls act like it makes more sense to use the back camera and take a picture in a mirror.
16. of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
17. Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
18. So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
19. Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
20. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
21. thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
22. I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
23. My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
24. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.
25. Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
26. 3 things I hate: stupid people and math.

ALL TIME BEST, FUNNY, EPIC, SMART FACEBOOK STATUS

1. want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares. Not me, but someone does.
2. Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.
3. I’m not saying i’m batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
4. The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
5. I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
6. With how much girls talk about our emotions, you’d think we’d be able to handle them better.
7. You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I’d like that in a Gatorade flavor.
8. An “open relationship” is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.
9. I believe every single word you say. It’s when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it’s bullshit
10. If you can read this then it’s your lucky day. I did my monthly facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month ;)
11. Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.
12. Next time I’m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I’m going to turn around and say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here.”
13. The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
14. I don’t have any old girlfriends. They’re all so young.
15. I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.
16. Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi fived & I need a new bike.
17. If you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!
18. Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
19. You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
20. Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...
21. Legend has it that the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
22. There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.
23. When you go out with a group you “check in” not only yourself but everyone you are with.
24. If someone you know doesn’t have a Facebook they immediately become less interesting.
25. Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
26. It’s not that your fat, it’s just that your clothes are trying to kill you.
27. Princess meets a talking frog. Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince? Frog:Sorry lady but that was my grandfather's time, I need a blowjob.
28. Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
29. A dog asks a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
30. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.
31. Never judge a girl by her makeup!
32. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
33. CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY’S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!
34. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
35. Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly fart gas without anyone knowing.
36. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
37. "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
38. A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.
39. Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
40. Some of you must really like to hear yourself type.

WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

20 MONDAY FUNNY, RIDICULOUS, WITTY, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

• Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
• I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
• Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver
• Monday is like a kid having s*x for the first time...it came too soon!
• Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
• On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.
• Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
• Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
• I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
• You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
• Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It’s Tuesday that sucks.
• Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....
• If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.
• There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...
• Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
• I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
• The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
• Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.
• If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
• Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

35 WITTY HILARIOUS FRIDAY STATUSES

1. Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Jack Daniels and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
2. Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
3. Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.
4. I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.
5. Friday, Yay the weekends here...*BLINK* Monday? WTF?
6. Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.
7. Friday, is that you???????
8. Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.
9. Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?
10. If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.
11. Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
12. Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
13. The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
14. I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they are enjoying their Friday
15. Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying they are out shopping on Friday.
16. Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.
17. dear Friday, I'm ready..
18. It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.
19. Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
20. Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front
21. instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .
22. Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?
23. i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.
24. Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out
25. The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!
26. has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!
27. now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.
28. Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!
29. To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...
30. Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend on monday !!
31. Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.
32. In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.
33. Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.
34. loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
35. I've run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair. 
• I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own. 
•   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes. 
•   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity. 
•   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries. 
•   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment. 
•   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!
•   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you. 
•   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead.