More Funny Midweek Statuses

1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

THE DEBATE SOCIAL MADNESS STATUSES.

1. My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician.
2. can't help but wonder how many glasses of water that Paul Ryan drank during last night's presidential debate.......
3. I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
4. Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other last night.
5. These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...
6. "I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: 'Are you the only two choices?'"
7. "The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.

WITTY, FUNNY, HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES TO MAKE YOUR DAY

• The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
• Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
• I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
• You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
• The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
• Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
• Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
• When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
• My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
• You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
• I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
• I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
• You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
• here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
• I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
• While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
• I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
• Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
• What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

20 MONDAY FUNNY, RIDICULOUS, WITTY, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

• Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
• I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
• Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver
• Monday is like a kid having s*x for the first time...it came too soon!
• Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
• On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.
• Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
• Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
• I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
• You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
• Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It’s Tuesday that sucks.
• Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....
• If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.
• There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...
• Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
• I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
• The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
• Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.
• If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
• Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.