45 NEW WITTY HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK

1. _____I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.
2. _____Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.
3. _____Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
4. _____Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
5. _____Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.
6. _____I wish you could see me smile through these binoculars. I think you'd change your mind about the extra security you installed to keep me away.
7. _____Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
8. _____We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?
9. _____I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
10. _____I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
11. _____I thought I lost one of my toes but upon closer inspection, there was a note that said "Went to Market"
12. _____ I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
13. _____My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.
14. _____Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.
15. _____Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug."
16. _____My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
17. _____If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists.
18. _____ If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything.
19. _____Did you Know that In 2013, you can reuse calendars from 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, 1929, and 1918? Now you know it.
20. _____I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
21. _____ Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
22. _____'m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.
23. _____I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
24. _____ I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
25. _____THERE are people who can't spell. THEY'RE uneducated. It may not be THEIR fault. YOUR grammar sucks. YOU'RE welcome.
26. _____ Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.
27. _____ If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake
28. _____I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I'm biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I'm temporarily delusional."
29. _____I've counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?
30. _____If you spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone, are you entitled to benefits?
31. _____Sometimes I don't hate people. And then I wake up.
32. _____WTF? No flying cars? I'm going back to bed.
33. _____ LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.
34. _____ I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
35. _____Nothing's creepier than someone with a picture of themselves as their background.
36. _____ Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.
37. _____ Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
38. _____ When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.
39. _____Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".
40. _____ Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
41. _____ I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
42. _____ Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
43. _____UPS driver complained about my driveway so I said at least you got to touch my package.
44. _____ I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.
45. _____Are you reading this from a toilet? I'm writing this from one.

You may also like:

Funny New Year Status Updates

FUNNY CHRISTMAS STATUS UPDATES

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. Well, it's that time of the year when some people spend most of their year savings on gifts, parties and other crazy stuffs. SPEND WISELY MY READER, I still need you here next year. Those traveling travel safely.
Remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HAPPY HOLIDAYS' TO Y'ALL. To those who believe the world is gonna end on 21st Dec 2012, I've something to beg of you, please divide your fortune equally amongst those of us who believe that that is bull-crap!

Lets hook up on my FACEBOOK PAGE and feel free to post your epic Holiday status there.

Here are some awesome Christmas Statuses just for you:

1. _____I find it extremely rude when you open a card & there's no money inside.
2. _____ Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
3. _____Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
4. _____ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!
5. _____ Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.(After Christmas)
6. _____ Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmas time. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was because my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
7. _____ I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.
8. _____ Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
9. _____My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.
10. _____Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks.
11. _____ I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
12. _____Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!
13. _____ It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year.
14. _____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
15. _____Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
16. _____ I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
17. _____I bought the Christmas Oreos... So don't tell me I don't have holiday spirit.
18. _____ Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
19. _____If you invite me to your Christmas party, you can count on me to quietly eat the entire cheese plate, say nothing to anyone, and leave.
20. _____Nothing is more sad than a gift card that says "Cannot be used for the purchase of alcohol."
21. _____ I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!
22. _____Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
23. _____ This Christmas, let's put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
24. _____Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
25. _____You know it was a good Christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.
26. _____I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.
27. _____I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

Want some more funny, creative and witty status updates?

1. _____Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.
2. _____I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
3. _____I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, fuckface."
4. _____I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
5. _____I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.(classic)
6. _____Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
7. _____Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the shitter and all the stalls are empty.

You may also like:

Funny Friday Status updates

10 FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Red-box! (Funny drinking status)
2. _____I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown! (Funny Christmas status)
3. _____Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.(Funny broke status)
4. _____If my wife ever have sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.(Funny relationship status)
5. _____Dear Friday, What the hell took you so long? Is that b*tch Thursday blocking your way again? (Funny Friday status)
6. _____My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.(funny relationship status)
7. _____Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.(Funny interview status)
8. _____The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.(Funny relationship status)
9. _____That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.(Funny food status)
10. _____From time to time I like to get in touch with my feminine side, So every now and again I'll throw something with my left hand.(Epic)