NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

1. _____Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. My 7th favorite.(Funny Monday status)
2. _____If I ever write a suicide note, I’m going to start it off with “As of today, I am officially announcing my resignation…”(Epic)
3. _____I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food. (Funny food status)
4. _____People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them. (Funny Sign status)
5. _____You know you're getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.(Funny Breakfast status)
6. _____I got kicked out the pool today, apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was.(Funny Swimming status)
7. _____Do I want to punch people in the face who answer their own rhetorical questions? Yes. (Epic)
8. _____I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...(Funny Office status)
9. _____Depresso: When you've run out of coffee. (Funny Coffee Status)
10. _____I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook", Can I come in? (Epic)
11. _____You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.(Funny Friendship status)
12. _____Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?(Epic)
13. _____My boss pulled up in his new car today so I complimented him on it. He responded " if you set your goals, work hard and execute, I can buy an even better one next year" (Funny office status)
14. _____I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!(Funny Mom status)
15. _____A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.(Funny Santa status )
16. _____A hundred years from now, people will wonder why so many photos of their ancestors involve the subject standing in the bathroom holding a thin rectangular device at shoulder level.(Photos Funny status)

21 FUNNY, EPIC, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

1. _____I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips.(Food)
2. _____So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.(Sarcasm)
3. _____It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.(Classic)
4. _____When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb(dating)
5. _____When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.(Dating )
6. _____When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever. (Those were the days)
7. _____I don't think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
8. _____Only place where you feel totally alone even if you are surrounded by people whom you know is... Examination hall (School statuses)
9. _____Whenever I'm walking around and observing my surroundings I like to pretend life is just a first person video game with badass realistic graphics. Sometimes I'll throw in some combat rolls or take cover behind an obstacle. Yeah I'm weird.(Classic statuses)
10. _____Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?(Apocalypse)
11. _____Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone
12. _____I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.(Exercise statuses)
13. _____ If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga. (All time best)
14. _____ that moment when your name is at a math problem and every one in the class looks at you
15. _____I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
16. _____I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
17. _____The fact that there are several people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
18. _____ I`ve never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. (Food statuses)
19. _____If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.
20. _____ And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math.."(School)
21. _____ Just When I start to study, all the good TV shows begin. (School)

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50 NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL TRIGGER MORE LIKES

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1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
33. Don't believe everything you think.
34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

20 MONDAY FUNNY, RIDICULOUS, WITTY, HILARIOUS STATUS UPDATES

• Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
• I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground
• Thank God It's Monday" ~ Your Liver
• Monday is like a kid having s*x for the first time...it came too soon!
• Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
• On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.
• Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
• Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
• I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.
• You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.
• Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It’s Tuesday that sucks.
• Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....
• If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.
• There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...
• Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
• I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.
• The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
• Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.
• If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
• Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

CRAZY, EPIC MONDAY STATUSES

1. I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
2. My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.
3. I really need a day in between Sunday and monday
4. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
5. I CAN READ YOUR MIND! 1) you're reading this aren't you 2) You can't say B without closing your mouth 3) LOL you just tried 4) you're laughing at the fact i'm right ...7) you didn't realise i missed 5 an 6 8) you just looked back at 4 and 7 to check 9) You know you want to like this ;)