GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES

1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

50 NEW FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL TRIGGER MORE LIKES

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1. REMEMBER: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as beautiful as you`d ever imagine.
2. Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones. .
3. You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.
4. I like scrolling through my apps really fast. It feels like the big wheel on the "price is right"
5. Remember: Life isn't about having amazing experiences, it's about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
6. "911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
7. For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
8. If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
9. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
10. Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.
11. There's always one girl in your school that is obsessed with horses.
12. Why do parents think it`s so easy to get straight A's?
13. No mater what you do on the Computer, you always end up on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.
14. That annoying moment when you have to keep removing your headphones because someone keeps talking to you.
15. Loving someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, is like hugging a cactus. The longer you hold on, the more it hurts.
16. The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
17. I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than yesterday.
18. What if birthmarks are just scars from where you were killed in your previous life.
19. There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.
20. Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
21. If you are running away from your problems, you might as well chase after your dreams.
22. Life is what happens while you're trying to make it back to bed.
23. If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
24. A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions
25. The awkward moment when you’re waiting for a text but then you realize you’re the one who didn’t reply.
26. I tried to change my password to Twilight. But there was an error saying it contained too many useless characters.
27. I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
28. Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?
29. When I see a headline like "Hostess Forced to Liquidate", all I can think about is Twinkies smoothies.
30. My life coach just told me to fake an injury.
31. It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.
32. Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the whole time?
33. Don't believe everything you think.
34. Named my car Te-bow because it wont start.
35. The quickest way to avoid a conversation is by clicking like
36. 21 year old me would be devastated to learn that 8am is "sleeping in" for 32 year old me.
37. I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
38. The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer
39. Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
40. You're scared of clowns? I'm scared of things that could actually hurt me. Like, monsters under beds who attack uncovered feet.
41. I'm always right about the stuff I want to be wrong about.
42. I would hate to live a life without extreme passion and breathtaking moments of lust.
43. Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
44. You can't see your next if you`re too busy looking at your Ex.
45. I wish there was an alarm clock that released like 50 puppies on your face to wake you up.
46. Done my Christmas shopping. Got everyone a box with nothing in it and a note saying, "Sorry the World was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans."
47. I say " I shouldn't be telling you this," at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I'm saying.
48. Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
49. That ONE person you can`t stop thinking about…...until you have food in front of you
50. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.

43 NEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES

1. If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you.
2. I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
3. Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
4. The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5. I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."
6. Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?
7. Please don't walk slowly around me, I'm too Zombie Apocalypse aware for that kind of nonsense.
8. You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.
9. Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"
10. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
11. Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."
12. That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.
13. That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.
14. I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.
15. Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.
16. I wish people were smarter... or quieter.
17. I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.
18. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.
19. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
20. Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."
21. The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.
22. First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?
23. The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.
24. I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.
25. Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical
26. Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying
27. YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you
28. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.
29. I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.
30. Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.
31. Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.
32. Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.
33. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
34. I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
35. I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
36. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
37. How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
38. I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
39. Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.
40. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.
41. That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.
42. Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
43. I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.

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