I learned to give not because I have much, but because I know how it feels to have nothing.

1. We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.
2. How to find the name of a song: Type all the words you know on Google and hope for the best.
3. If I knew as much as I forgot, I'd be one smart person.
4. It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorite celeb.
5. Guys don't realize how hard it is to be a girl and have to pretend you never ever poop.
6. In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation They'll have parents who know how to check their browser history.
7. Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.
8. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
9. My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
10. Putting on a warm shirt that just came out of the dryer is quite possibly one of the best feelings ever.
11. I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.
12. Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
13. The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
14. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
15. If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

1. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
2. If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
5. Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
6. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
7. Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!
8. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
9. I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
10. "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUSES

• Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven’t seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again. 
• is it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites. 
• You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week. 
•   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates! 
•   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D. 
•   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave. 
•   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go. !''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!'' 
•   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.