GOOD, SMART, EPIC STATUS MESSAGES

1. ____You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
2. ____Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
3. ____FYI. If your back starts to itch really bad and you are standing at the urinal, never, ever ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
4. ____ I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
5. ____Finally learned to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
6. ____If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
7. ____Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
8. ____Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
9. ____I wonder if people in the 1800’s got in bed & obsessively checked their letters for hours.
10. ____Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
11. ____I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live
12. ____It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.
13. ____I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
14. ____If we can teach gorillas sign language, we can definitely teach them the dance to Thriller. GET ON IT SCIENCE!
15. ____The hardest moment in life isn't when you're sad and tears come out of your eyes, but it's when you're sad and you're forced to smile.
16. ____Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
17. ____Don't worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
18. ____If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I'd probably give up.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

Looking for new witty hilarious Friday status updates? Well, you just landed at the right place. This blog has been here not for a very long time and if you've notice, It's long since I updated this blog. I've not been able to update new posts due to unavoidable circumstances... sorry for that guys. I've always wished to have this blog updated every now and then but guys, it's not an easy job. Lets cut the long story short and get down to business. I know your mouth must be watering for those witty Friday statuses that I have collected for you to keep your Facebook or tweeter on their toes wondering how smart you always become on Friday. ENJOY

1. ____There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
2. ____Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.
3. ____A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
4. ____When you're an Atheist, every Friday is good and nobody has to die.
5. ____Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
6. ____Finding out alcohol was a depressant made me question science.
7. ____If I have to use gas station bathroom, I always open the door like I'm about to find a dead body in there.
8. ____ Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!
9. ____Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!
10. ____To the 84yr woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby! It's Friday.
11. ____Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.
12. ____On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.
13. ____Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
14. ____ Who do atheists thank for Friday?
15. ____Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
16. ____ Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.
17. ____ I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

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FUNNY EASTER HOLIDAYS STATUS UPDATES

1. ____Here is an Easter time saving tip - don't waste time coloring the eggs. It will make them easier to hide in the snow...
2. ____We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
3. ____Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.
4. ____The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.
5. ____I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I don't have to go to work.
6. ____For Easter I'm gonna get really drunk and hide a whole bunch of eggs, wake up sober and have an Easter egg hunt with myself!
7. ____It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the "hider."
8. ____Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?
9. ____When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!" and walk away like a boss.
10. ____I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn't stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
11. ____They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!
12. ____Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
13. ____If you happen to see a bunny laying brown eggs, do not eat them. ITS NOT CHOCOLATE!!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!
14. ____Nails didn't keep Christ on the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.
15. ____You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa is watching!