More Funny Midweek Statuses

1. Missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor
2. Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
3. Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?
4. You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.
5. Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
6. Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
7. You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!
8. wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
9. Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
10. Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
11. I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
12. I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.
13. If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.
14. Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.
15. Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multitasker.
16. The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.
17. I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.