Monday, October 15, 2012


  • The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
  • Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you
  • I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.
  • You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.
  • The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle
  • Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier
  • Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that I'll keep her busy.
  • When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic.
  • My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
  • You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags
  • I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.
  • I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.
  • You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
  • here are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on.
  • I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I’m just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
  • While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.
  • I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He’s pissed but said he’ll be back with my speeding ticket.
  • Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged
  • My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future." I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking awesome -we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits and vacations on the moon!" I'm now single.
  • What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!