New Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Ridiculous Status Messages

1. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
2. Just know that if I ever kill myself I will use it as an opportunity to frame someone else for murder.
3. My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
4. Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.
5. Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
6. Whenever you're feeling dumb, remember there are people out there who truly believe that their life is defined by their horoscope.
7. If I've learned anything from Game of Thrones it's that I need a wolf.
8. I think one of my socks is pregnant.
9. I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
10. You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.
11. Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
12. So I got up and made this chick breakfast this morning and instead of thanking me she ask me "how did you get in my house
13. Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished.
14. Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!
15. For some reason there are front cameras on iPod's and phones but girls act like it makes more sense to use the back camera and take a picture in a mirror.
16. of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
17. Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
18. So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
19. Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
20. Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
21. thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
22. I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
23. My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
24. I wish I was in a gang, I never know what to do with my hands when taking pictures.
25. Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
26. 3 things I hate: stupid people and math.